MC DJ DIDDY: Hello, I hope this is David Posh’s abode. I got his number from an advert in a phone booth under the heading ”Do You Want A Hot Night At Margaret Thatcher Towers (Batteries Not Included)?”.
BUTLER: I shall see if his Poshness is in. Who shall I say has called?
MC DJ DIDDY: Tell him it’s Diddy.
BUTLER: Please hold the line Mr Diddy, I shall check on the availability of His Poshness.
(Phone goes on hold. Music plays: Don Henley, “Your So Posh, and You Posh Me Out!”)
Ten minutes later.
DAVID POSH: Hello, what day is it?
MC DJ DIDDY: Hello Posh, its 6.00 pm on the **.**.**. Can I have a quick word with you?
DAVID POSH: Only if the quick word involves “It’s my round Posh, so why don’t you have a treble Sapphire with a bottle of gin mixer?”
MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, were on the phone, not in The Mile having a burger!
DAVID POSH: Ok, yeah, right, give me a chance to check my GPS
(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Rick Astley, “Never Gonna Give Up On My Expenses”)
Ten minutes later.
DAVID POSH: Ok Diddy, according to my phone GPS and staff in waiting, I’m at home. So let loose and don’t pull any punches.
MC DJ DIDDY: Well Posh, let me put it this way. You’ve been de-selected from standing as a candidate for the Conservative Party in the Scottish constituency of Edinburgh South West.
DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, did you say Scotland? Where the hell is that? I’ve only ever been to Cambridge, South Tyneside, The Red Lion and Rosco’s. I don’t even have a passport!
MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, it’s where you’re standing as an MP!
DAVID POSH: Oh yes, let me check.
(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Stinker Milburn and McWoody, “We Are The Cheeky Councillors”)
Ten minutes later.
DAVID POSH: Well, would you believe it, Scotland’s on Goggle Earth. So what’s all this about, Diddy?
MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, your selected to stand in the general election in 2010 against the Chancellor Alistair Darling, mainly because your going to loose your ward councillor seat. Remember, you said you needed to get your expenses from somewhere?.
DAVID POSH: Am I? Did I? There’s a thought. Yes, Diddy, I’ll do that, I hear the expenses are very easy to fiddle. Put my name down for the job. Will I get lots of Irn Bru?
MC DJ DIDDY: No Posh, you’ve already been selected – you’re the candidate, or was!
DAVID POSH: Something is ringing a bell Diddy, but don’t quote me on that. All I have to say is that my secretary is in charge of bell ringing, especially when I’m top to tail in Hia Karate. I’ll have to get back to you when she’s checked out my memory.
Click……..brrrrrrrrrrrrr………..
PART TWO OF THIS TELEPHONE CONVERSATION TO FOLLOW LATER ON IN THE WEEK
WARNING: IT WILL CONTAIN RACIST COMMENTS TOWARDS THE SCOTS AND THE SOUND OF A GROWN MAN BUBBLING LIKE A LITTLE BABY
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
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