2010: THE YEAR OF THE POSH

I awoke this morning (or was it this afternoon, I forget which) to the sound of a council gritter finally managing to find the time tackle the side streets and estates of the Borough. Though several days’ late, at least old people will be able to venture to the shops once more: not everybody has a butler don’t you know.

Whilst the snow has been great fun (as you all know dear campers, I’m very fond of the white stuff) it is starting to thaw, unlike the relationship between myself and that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr). As the long driveway into Margaret Thatcher Towers becomes once again passable for the Bentley, now seems like a good time to visit my ward, ignore all those residents concerns and hit the bar at The Red Lion.

First however, I must compile my list of New Year resolutions. I have managed to keep to a few of the targets I set myself at the start of 2009. By avoiding various council gatherings in November, I exceeded all estimates in “not” attending meetings. I have also managed to keep the expense claims flowing in, as will be revealed in April 2010 when the Council releases my figures. However, not all aims have been realized. I still have no prospective parliamentary constituency, and that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr) has some how managed to resist my manly charms (I must double my effort and double my gins when it comes to this particular resolution).

So dear reader, it’s back to the drawing board on certain issues, and time to don the thinking cap when it comes to others.

2009 was a good year for The Posh: it had its highs, and it had its lows, and it had its bits in the middle.

2010 shall be a case of “full steam ahead” for another year of more of the same, but only larger!

2010 AND A CHANGE IN EDITORIAL POLICY

The last few days have been one of great personal contemplation and reflection. I have had a wild and spiffing time writing this little on line diary, but somehow it has never seemed…….enough. There is a very big pond out there dear reader, and whilst I am a very big fish when it comes to politics and market trading, clearly there are other fish in the pond. These other fish are also clamming to have their say. Perhaps now would be a good time to drop the pond/fish analogy and get to the point – I have decided to change my editorial policy.

As most of you are aware, when it comes to local politics, The Posh is somewhat of a chameleon. I may be a member of the Conservative Party, but when it comes to who I sleep with, I’m a bit of a “Thomas Moore”. During my period as a Councillor, I have supported all parties in their attempts to remain in power and protect their expenses. From 2010 onwards, I shall allow “guest” contributors to write for this site, including amongst others the council leader, the Mayor and the famous horse trainer, George Epsom. All and sundry shall be given the opportunity to have their say, justify their actions and generally vent their spleens.

Councillor Ian Malcovitch has kindly agreed to write a personal recollection of the first day we met. I shall post his account on New Years Day.

2010 – the year when climate change hit South Tyneside, the year when the flood gates opened.

http://www.cockneyrhymingslang.co.uk/english/alternatives/4900

TWO CHEEKS TO THE BNP

I found the above image on the internet whilst surfing for information on the Smurfs. I am going to have some underpants made with this image on the backside for the next council meeting.

Eat my shorts Pongo Khan!

http://images.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http://c.myspace.com/Groups/00013/05/06/13506050_l.jpg&imgrefurl=http://groups.myspace.com/remainsoftheday&usg=__sOjdNDKW0CE9mNl8VNScxewdTNU=&h=276&w=600&sz=21&hl=en&start=10&um=1&tbnid=KiuMRJcpt9uHnM:&tbnh=62&tbnw=135&prev=/images%3Fq%3DANTI%2BFASCIST%26hl%3Den%26rlz%3D1W1ADFA_en%26um%3D1

WALL OF SILENCE

DIDDY: Good evening listeners and welcome to the last episode of “What’s My Gaff?” My guest tonight is none other than Councillor McWoody, paper boy and representative for the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward. Come and sit down McWoody, you can leave your paper bag next to the microphone. We have lots of questions tonight, so let’s get this show on the road. Tell me Mac, you’re viewed by many as the “quiet” one when it comes to the Conservative members on the Borough council. Do you think your almost continued silence over the last six years has been a gaff?

MCWOODY: (total silence)

DIDDY: Let me rephrase the question – can you talk?

MCWOODY: (total silence).

DIDDY: OK, let’s approach it from another angle. Has somebody glued your mouth shut?

MCWOODY: (total silence).

DIDDY: Why should I be surprised! I’ll tell you what Macbeth, I’m going to read out a statement sent in by one of your ward residents. If you don’t contradict it in say….5 minutes, then the statement is true. Is that OK by you? I’ll take your wall of silence as a yes. Here we go….

“Dear Diddy

I think that the three Conservative councillors’s for the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward are the most ineffectual members this Borough has ever seen. They underpin the Labour majority by constantly voting with them on policy issues, and maximize their expenses claims to the detriment of the public purse. They ignore calls, letters and messages from the ward members, and surgeries are limited (if they are held at all.) They issue a ward newsletter which looks like it was put together by a two year old with a stick of Pritt and a dodgy photocopier. Not only is the rag devoid of any relevant content, but it is littered with inaccuracies and spurious claims. In essence, they are a disgrace to themselves and a disgrace to the national Conservative Party.”

There you have it McWobly, a pretty damning statement by one of your ward members. Now, surely you have something to say to defend yourselves?

MCWOODY: (total silence – 5 minutes later – total silence)

DIDDY: Your silence speaks volumes McWoody. Well, its goodnight from me and it’s good night from him. I hope you enjoyed “What’s My Gaff?”, and I shall be back in the New Year with another radio format.

DIDDY LEAVES – LIGHTS GO OUT

MCWOODY: Shhhh! I'm thinking!

IN THE CHAIR TODAY

DIDDY: Evening again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome once again to STD’S “What’s My Gaff”, an interview with one of South Tyneside’s major political and business representatives. Yesterday we had all round gaff boy David Posh. Today we have his colleague Stinker Milburn. Stinker is prospective parliamentary candidate for Jarrow, the constituency next to Karen Allen’s South Shields. The phrase “Beauty and The Beast” immediately comes to mind. Please take a seat Mr Milburn, or can I call you Stinker?

STINKER MILBURN: I prefer Milbers, but never mind. This seat is damp!

DIDDY: Yes, that’s your friend Posh for you. He cried buckets yesterday. My feet were soaking and it leaked into the studio below. But less of his gaffs, and more of yours. Tell me Stink, was the use of the Mayor’s car a major Gaff?

STINKER MILBURN: I’m glad you have given me the opportunity to address this issue Diddy, and if I may just read you what Max Clifford has asked me to say. Ahem…(ruffle of paper) On the day in question I worked a consecutive 24 hours on ward related matters, and as a consequence forgot to have anything to eat. On the evening I attended a naval military strategy meeting called to organise the fight against the BNP in South Tyneside. Whilst there, I had half a shandy. Having not eaten for the last seven days, the drink went straight to my head. The next thing I knew I was on my way home in the Mayor’s car, and the only memory I have is of the Cheeky Girls.

DIDDY: Absolutely marvellous Milliband, a tale worthy of Agatha Christie herself. Tell me, your statement from Max Clifford, is that Posh’s writing?

STINKER MILBURN: It might be.

DIDDY: (shakes head) I just can’t believe. It’s becoming like “Ground Hog Day”. Let’s move forward if we possibly can. I have here a series of questions that have been sent in by your ward members.

STINKER MILBURN: Great, I’ve been waiting for this part of the quiz.

DIDDY: Sorry, what did you say?

STINKER MILBURN: I’ll have two from the top and four from the bottom.

DIDDY: What are you going on about Stig?

STINKER MILBURN: I don’t know the answer to that one. Can I phone a friend?

DIDDY: Have you got any?

STINKER MILBURN: Pass.

DIDDY: I think I can spot a pattern here. Tell me Stinkeroonie, what did you watch on the TV last night?

STINKER MILBURN: Our survey said “The Best Quiz Shows of the Decade”.

DIDDY: My god, neither you nor Posh are capable of any individual thought, are you? Sorry listeners, but I’m going to bring this programme to a premature close. Let’s finish with “No Expenses Spared” by the Cheeky Councils.

DIDDY LEAVES - STUDIO GOES DARK.

STINKER MILBURN: Do I get my “(Blankety) Blank Cheque Book and Pen” now, I need it to claim my expenses, especially the blank cheque. Diddy, Diddy! Why am I sitting in the dark? Diddy, Diddy! Oh my God, I’m on Mastermind!

POSH:MONKEY:TYPEWRITER:SHAKESPEARE

Just a quick comment on my antics over the last few days. Sadly, I lost the script of the Stinker Milburn radio interview and I have not been able to post it (I put the tape next to a wreath in my house).

It will appear round about the same time as my vision comes back (the wreath however, won't).

Somebody gave me a wonderful herbal tonic present on Xmas day (I think it was one of the Malcovitch Brothers) called “Absinthe”.

I drank the bottle on Xmas Day, and was “absenthe” for the next 24 hours.

Jeepers, it was like Remembrance Sunday all over again. In fact, if feel so bad, I know I won’t be able to attend the Cleawood and East Bilburn CAF in ….January 2010!

The other apology centres around the fact that I collapsed over my keyboard whilst contemplating a “tweet” on “Twitter”. As my body twitched uncontrollably, I had an “out of body experience” and managed to type some absolute garbage (you know the scenario dear reader: monkeys/typewriter/Shakespeare).

I was basically the monkey!

Forgive me my fans, please forgive me!

GOING OUT LIVE ON 101 FM

DIDDY: Morning and welcome to “STD’S Radio”, coming to you on 101 FM and 101 MW. My name is Diddy and this is the first episode of my new show “What’s My Gaff”, a weekly one to one interview with a local South Tyneside business magnate or politician. My inaugural guest is none other than David Posh, market trader and Councillor for the ward of Cleadon and East Bilburn. Councillor Posh was also a prospective parliamentary candidate for Edinburgh South West, but was unreservedly dumped due to his lack of presence in the area. Welcome David, or should I call you Dave?

DAVID POSH: Call me what you like, you normally do.

DIDDY: Let’s get straight to the questions Dave. You seem to have a strange attitude to attending council committee meetings. In fact, you hardly ever go. Why is that?

DAVID POSH: Being a councillor involves more than just attending meetings Diddy, so let me set the record straight. As a councillor, I have never missed a free buffet, an open bar, a trip to London and I also claim all my expenses plus a little bit extra. On these issues, my record is 100% and no other councillor can challenge me on that. In fact, I devote so much of my time to not going to meetings, that I don’t actually have time to go to any.

DIDDY: A strange logic Davey, but lets move on. Would you say that not presenting the wreath on behalf of the Council on Remembrance Sunday was your most famous gaff?

DAVID POSH: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to set the record straight. I have already offered an explanation as to what happened on the day, but another implausible excuse has occurred to me. I actually got up on Sunday morning, put on my naval reserve Speedo trucks and Special Boat Group Donald Duck swimming armbands, and headed of on the number 30 bus to the Cenotaph in East Bilburn. However, on the way I met a man who offered to swap the wreath for some magic beans, beans which when planted would grow to massive proportions and…..

DIDDY: I’m sorry to stop you there D, but that sounds a bit like the children’s story “Jack and The Beanstalk”.

DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, you’re right. It actually wasn’t beans; it was a goose that would lay golden eggs….

DIDDY: That’s a tale by Aesop.

DAVID POSH: A tinder box?

DIDDY: Hans Christian Andersen

DAVID POSH: A ring which makes you invisible?

DIDDY: Tolkien. Posh, what did you do last night?

DAVID POSH: It was fab. My butler read me children’s stories all night. I had Quavers, Vimto and a Curly Wurly. I’ve never had such a topper time.

DIDDY: So basically all your excuses are based on what you did last.

DAVID POSH: Well not everything I did last night. I haven’t mentioned the woman with the beard have I?

DIDDY: I think we should stop there Davina before you go to far again. Let me ask you, was Scotland a gaff?

DAVID POSH: If it wasn’t for Scotland Diddy, I wouldn’t have had the time to purge South Tyneside of the BNP. Thanks to my sterling work in doing absolutely nothing about these horrible, horrible people, Muslims can walk the streets of Shields without the threat of arrest, internment and deportation. (Starts to wail, howl and sob uncontrollably).

DIDDY: Clearly, this is still a delicate subject for you D.

DAVID POSH: It’s not that. I was just thinking about that gin I spilt the other night.

DIDDY: Perhaps you should adopt the old adage “that it’s not worth crying over spilt milk”, or in your case, gin. Here, take this towel and bucket and mop up your tears. Please don’t bubble over the microphone Dave, not even your insulated Hush Puppies will stop you getting an electrical shock. You seem to be a little “over agitated” Posh. Are you sober?

DAVID POSH: I am at the moment, but don’t intend to stay this way to long. Can I have my appearance money now, I hear the bars open?

DIDDY: David, did you only come on the show for the money?

DAVID POSH: And the free mug.

DIDDY: (Under breath) the only mugs are the people who vote for you! I think this may be a good time to bring this interview to an end. Tell me David, if you were left stranded on a desert island, which two items would you take with you?

DAVID POSH: That’s easy Diddy. I would have a brewery, my expenses claims pad, my Grifter bike with pink stabilisers, my Action Man, Stretch Armstrong, a tub of lard and…….

DIDDY: Posh, I said two items. You’re treating the question like an expenses claim and going over the top.

DAVID POSH: Not really Diddy. The “two item” dictum is a rule that is only to be followed in spirit, a bit like expense claims - you know you should stick to the guideline, but hey, shy councillors get nothing. At the end of day of Diddy, I’m a loner, a maverick, I’m James Dean, I’m Dirty Harry, I’m Jim Rockford, I’m…….

DIDDY: You’re a loony, that is what you are. Good night listeners, and don’t forget to tune in later on in the week when hopefully we shall have a guest who doesn’t cry all night over a spilt gin.

HAVE A HAPPY BEARD

As I sit wrapping my Xmas presents (my family are all getting signed pictures of The Cheeky Girls: they wouldn’t sign them, so I did) I cannot help but contemplate the plight of those who are less fortunate than me. As this involves virtually everybody, I must quickly dismiss this thought. My brain isn’t big enough to cope with such numbers.

I am however, very excited about Xmas Day. I love Santa, and he loves me. I have cleaned the chimney and left him a carrot, a mince pie and a pint of sherry. Sadly, the sherry has evaporated due to the heat of the fire, so I shall have to top it up (snigger, snigger).

Despite the left wing, Marxist antics of those fops at The Royal Mail, Santa should have received my letter in time.

I don’t really need much; I’ve got a woman with a beard, and my expenses claims are pretty much up to date.

However, I am but a man, and I have needs.

As that vixen Allen (double grrrrrrrr) said to me the other night “Posh, you fall into the category of special needs”.

Here then, is my letter to Santa:

1. My stolen computers back
2. A hefty majority at the 2010 election
3. A new wreath
4. A time machine to deliver the new wreath.
5. A Rick Astley face mask kit.
6. A larger bladder, capable of accumulating 15 pints of gin.
7. That vixen Allen’s (double grrrrrrrr) mobile number,
8. At least two expense paying committee positions after the 2010 elections.

The Posh lives in the real world dear fans, a world where every opportunity must be taken, milked for what it is financially worth and finally cast asunder when it has no reward.

That dear reader, is the true spirit of Xmas.

That and gin.

Have a good day dear reader, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t, unless it has a beard.

PICTURE POSTCARD

As you can see, I have been to Scotland.

This picture of myself, Stinker and McWoody was taken in the departure lounge of Edinburgh South West Airport. We spent approximately 10 minutes in Scotland, boarding the flight home as soon as possible.

Don’t forget to tune in on Xmas Day campers!

ANY OLD QUEEN

It has occurred to me that my published broadcast on 25th December (Xmas Day) could be regarded as an alternative to The Queens Speech.

I must contact Channel 4.

RADIO STAR

Hi de hi campers.

Remember when I told that I was going to be a radio star? Well, the interview takes place on Xmas Eve and I have arranged for a transcript to appear on this site on Xmas Day.

I’m really looking forward to appearing on STD’S.

This is a new venture for Diddy, and he’s called his show “What’s My Gaff”. He said he thought of me immediately when he saw the title: I can’t understand why.

Never mind.

Lucky you dear readers, you can worship Jesus and myself all on the same day!

Stinker and McWoody are also going to be interviewed, but they won’t be as spiffing as yours truly. Transcripts of their interviews will appear on Boxing and New Years Day.

Pip pip, I’m off for an encounter with the old white stuff, and I don’t mean the snow!

http://davidposhmanofhonour.blogspot.com/2009/12/calling-all-fans-of-stds.html

WORDS OF WISDOM

A local DJ once asked me what my favourite phrase was. It used to be:

“It was like finding a needle in a hay stack”.

Sadly, I’ve changed my mind. I now prefer the old adage:

“It was like finding a pin in a field”.

Tune in later dear readers for more words of wisdom from The Posh.

I'VE BEEN BLOWN!

PLEASE WHISPER WHEN YOU READ THIS POST

Very worrying news has reached the telescopic ears of The Posh.

Over the last few weeks one of my political enemies has been on “covert” operations, infiltrating the Twitter site of a certain market trader who “has protected their tweets”.

The culprit has clearly spent some time on his subterfuge. He (or she, if they have any brain matter) must have spent hours trawling through The Daily Telegraph for share tips, currency fluctuations, and wild speculative views on second hand Sky Remotes.

Mission Impossible? It should have been. Sadly it is now Mission Accomplished!

A certain trader has swallowed it hook, line and stinker.

A little less time should have been spent on feeding the cats and more attention applied to the Twitter “guest list”.

The problem for yours truly is that the culprit has had access to certain “comments” I have made, and publicly alluded to, about the “Gang of Four” who wish to remove me from my political premiership in the Borough.

Gulp!
Jeepers!
Triple drat!

I fear the next knock at the oak(leigh) doors of Margaret Thatcher Towers may be from PC Dibble himself, armed to the hilt with a series of libel court warrants.

I’m off for a shower dear inmates, I need to practice bending over to pick up the soap!

FULL TRANSCRIPT OF THE FAMOUS RESIGNATION SPEECH

DAVID POSH: Morning Diddy, I have looked into the issue of me being an MP in Scotland, and yes I can confirm that I have been selected to stand in Edinburgh South West. However, I’ve never been there because you can’t claim attendance expenses. I do however, think that I have a very good chance of being elected.

MC DJ DIDDY: That’s hardly true Posh because they have deselected you for non attendance.

DAVID POSH: They’ve what? Why those ginger haired, yellow bellied, porridge eating, skirt wearing, alcoholic, persistent world cup football non attendees and Loch Ness monster believers! How dare they kick me in the McGorbals and leave me to wallow in Tennents Super Strength Lager.

Phone slams down. Ten Minutes later Posh rings Diddy back.

DAVID POSH: Dear Diddy, my friend, my confidant, I must apologise for that little outburst. The news came as a bit of a shock to me. As I have never attended any meetings how was I to know they were going to stab me in the Trossacks and kick the wind out of my bag pipes? On reflection however, I do recall resigning from the seat just after I was nominated, and I have prepared this retrospective statement. Let me sip on my special water first. Here we go - write this down Diddy, word for word:

“It is with deep regret, that I, David Posh, must resign from the position of prospective parliamentary candidate for the constituency of Edinburgh South something (sob, sob, sob). Over the last few minutes (waw, waw, waw) it has occurred to me that the BNP is becoming more active in South Tyneside (boo hoo, boo hoo, boo hoo). I will therefore forego my definite victory in Edinland West, and concentrate on tackling these awful, awful people who are active on my own doorstep. I will devote as much attention to tackling the BNP in South Tyneside as I did to winning the seat in Scotburgh North (sob, sob, wail, wail, waw, waw, waw).”

Did you get all that Diddy? As you can see, I wasn’t deselected; I resigned (sob, sob, sob)

MC DJ DIDDY: I am sure the Scot’s have a different view Posh. Never mind though, you are clearly to upset about the issue to discuss it any further.

DAVID POSH: (sob, sob, sob) Upset about Scotland? I couldn’t give a flying hairy haggis about those ginger loonies (waw, waw, waw, boo hoo) No Diddy, you’ve got it all wrong – I knocked my treble gin over while I was reading out my statement!

http://curly15.wordpress.com/2008/09/09/potts-in-hot-water/

http://ukpollingreport.co.uk/guide/seat-profiles/edinburghsouthwest?cp=3
READ THE COMMENT BY JUSTIN HINCHCLIFFE

http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/conservativeparty/Tory-activists--to-ditch.4471315.jp

THE TOP 15 ACCORDING TO POSH

Dear reader, would you believe it but this little on line diary has an amazing gadget attached to it that allows you to track how people have actually arrived at this site.

I have checked out the info, and the most 15 popular search referrals are as follows (top hits first):

1. Cowards who don’t bother to show their faces at Remembrance Day Services
2. Missing Wreath
3. Stinker Milburn
4. Cheeky Girls
5. Domestic violence sympathisers
6. Karen Posh(double grrrr – I added this bit)
7. Posh Karen(double grrr – as above)
8. Second hand Sky Remotes
9. Batteries not included
10. Swarfega
11. Expenses claims
12. Paper round
13. Stig of the Dump
14. Rick Astley doubles
15. Alan Partridge

Nothing unusual there then.

THE TRUTH, THE WHOLE TRUTH, AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH PART 1

MC DJ DIDDY: Hello, I hope this is David Posh’s abode. I got his number from an advert in a phone booth under the heading ”Do You Want A Hot Night At Margaret Thatcher Towers (Batteries Not Included)?”.

BUTLER: I shall see if his Poshness is in. Who shall I say has called?

MC DJ DIDDY: Tell him it’s Diddy.

BUTLER: Please hold the line Mr Diddy, I shall check on the availability of His Poshness.

(Phone goes on hold. Music plays: Don Henley, “Your So Posh, and You Posh Me Out!”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Hello, what day is it?

MC DJ DIDDY: Hello Posh, its 6.00 pm on the **.**.**. Can I have a quick word with you?

DAVID POSH: Only if the quick word involves “It’s my round Posh, so why don’t you have a treble Sapphire with a bottle of gin mixer?”

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, were on the phone, not in The Mile having a burger!

DAVID POSH: Ok, yeah, right, give me a chance to check my GPS

(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Rick Astley, “Never Gonna Give Up On My Expenses”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Ok Diddy, according to my phone GPS and staff in waiting, I’m at home. So let loose and don’t pull any punches.

MC DJ DIDDY: Well Posh, let me put it this way. You’ve been de-selected from standing as a candidate for the Conservative Party in the Scottish constituency of Edinburgh South West.

DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, did you say Scotland? Where the hell is that? I’ve only ever been to Cambridge, South Tyneside, The Red Lion and Rosco’s. I don’t even have a passport!

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, it’s where you’re standing as an MP!

DAVID POSH: Oh yes, let me check.

(Phone goes on hold: Music plays: Stinker Milburn and McWoody, “We Are The Cheeky Councillors”)

Ten minutes later.

DAVID POSH: Well, would you believe it, Scotland’s on Goggle Earth. So what’s all this about, Diddy?

MC DJ DIDDY: Posh, your selected to stand in the general election in 2010 against the Chancellor Alistair Darling, mainly because your going to loose your ward councillor seat. Remember, you said you needed to get your expenses from somewhere?.

DAVID POSH: Am I? Did I? There’s a thought. Yes, Diddy, I’ll do that, I hear the expenses are very easy to fiddle. Put my name down for the job. Will I get lots of Irn Bru?

MC DJ DIDDY: No Posh, you’ve already been selected – you’re the candidate, or was!

DAVID POSH: Something is ringing a bell Diddy, but don’t quote me on that. All I have to say is that my secretary is in charge of bell ringing, especially when I’m top to tail in Hia Karate. I’ll have to get back to you when she’s checked out my memory.

Click……..brrrrrrrrrrrrr………..

PART TWO OF THIS TELEPHONE CONVERSATION TO FOLLOW LATER ON IN THE WEEK

WARNING: IT WILL CONTAIN RACIST COMMENTS TOWARDS THE SCOTS AND THE SOUND OF A GROWN MAN BUBBLING LIKE A LITTLE BABY

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

THE POSH LOVES THE DOSH

Over the last few years I may have given the impression via comments on a certain other local site that I was a Sunderland football fan.

Phrases such as “come on you Roker boys”, “we love the red and whites” and “how did the lads do at The Stadium of Light” were merely slips of the fingers when using a blurred keyboard.

As I downed my Newcastle Brown Ale du Pape(“come on you beers”) I should of course have typed:

“Come on you Mags”, “Come on you black and whites” and “How did the lads do at St James Park@Second Hand Sky Remotes (Batteries Not Included) Sponsors. COM.

Sadly my opportunist greed for a free ticket/meal may have led to some confusion as to my loyalties. For your information, I follow the same mantra employed when it comes to how I vote at Council meetings – I support the team with the dosh!

As you all know – The Posh is in love with The Dosh!

Come on you money!

I LOVE FAMOUS PEOPLE'S BALLS

Picture of me at “the match” holding one of Sting’s big balls!

Don’t titter, Sting collects match balls.

Come on you blues/reds/greens/oranges etc etc etc*

*DELETE AS APPROPRIATE – DEPENDING ON WHICH GAME YOU ARE AT.

HAI KARATE - MORE THAN JUST A TIPPLE!

Despite my desire to offer my thoughts on a daily basis, the weather sadly got the better of me.

I did a little extra curriculum work a couple of days ago at a rather salubrious but remote venue and got snowed in. Luckily, the venue had its own brewery, so I had good company. Talk about memory loss, the old “recall” area of my brain resembles a snow storm.

Anyway, I am back home and have a lot of messages to catch up on. PC Dibble has been on the blower about the “missing wreath”. I suspected it may have been stolen when my house was burgled. As he pointed out however, the crime of the century took place before the wreath was delivered. Double and triple drat!!!!!!!! There goes that excuse.

Back to the drawing room and back to the drawing board.

For the moment lets move on dear reader and get down to some real work. I have found an old answer phone tape which has a recording of the conversation I had with DJ MC Diddy re the matter of a certain failed crusade to Scotland.

I want to set the record straight on this issue, and have instructed my secretary to transcribe the conversation for publication on this site. Clearly I need to get some work out of the old dear, so I have decided not to go “top to tail” in Hai Karate aftershave (oh yes day reader, it's not just a drink) It only takes one niff of the old “come on” juice and she pants around like a rutting stag!

Must go and have a nap dear punter, I’ve worked myself into a right old lather!

PARTY ON DOWN DUDE!

Once again the “party on down dude” season is upon us.

This year it has been left to yours truly to organise the Xmas party for the Conservative Party Group on South Tyneside Council.

Last year we were restricted by how much Conservative councillors put in to the fund, and as a consequence, we went to the Salvation Army soup kitchen in Wearside. This year we have decided to keep it local and invest in local companies.

The itinerary is as follows:

1. Meet in the car park (empty) behind the old Asda at 12 p.m.
2. Xmas Lunch at Gregg’s (King Street). I have already pre booked our meals.
- Me – Cheese and Onion Pasty
- Stinker Milburn (grrrr) – 3 for £1 sausage rolls
- McWoody – anything with chocolate.
3. Customs House, South Shields - “Yearly Review: The Conservatives in Action: A Slide Show”. Includes negatives of the Cheeky Girls bash (Stinker beware)

That vixen Allen (double grrrr) is not invited.

Stinker Milburn (single grrrr) has booked the Mayor’s chariot for the journey home, and McWoody has got somebody else to deliver his papers as chocolate gives him the back door trots (I don’t know why he eats it, but he says its worth the mess).

I myself have still to decide if I will grace the gathering with presence. Two reasons: firstly, I already have a private collection of Cheeky Girls pictures, amassed over the last decade, and b, I can’t put the bash on expenses.

What to do, dear reader, what to do?

OPEN THE FLOOD GATES

I have received a few emails from my fan club as to the propensity of my posts on this site.

Let it go into the wind dear followers.

With regards to my daily activities, on the run up to Xmas I shall be posting on a daily basis.

The Posh is on a RAMPAGE.

OINK, OINK - I SMELL A PORKY

As many of you know, one of my many all time trading heroes is Jonathan Hoenig.

Jonty (as I call him) follows this site and hangs on to my every word. Not only does this do my ego the world of good, it increases my street popularity because “J” (as I now call him), is too cool for school, he’s hip and happening, he is da man, he’s MC Topcat, he’s ice ice baby, he’s the dude of Dudeland, he’s sweet etc etc etc.

He also has a company which shares the same phrase that Pongo Khan always wrote on my old school jotters - “Capitalist Pig”.

Now that’s what I call a name!

KINDRED SPIRITS

Rather than immediately jump on the congratulations band wagon, I have waited a few days to offer my best wishes to Joe McElderry, winner of X Factor 2009.

Joe and I share some uncanny characteristics: Joe has a marvellous singing voice and is worshipped by thousands. Yours truly can also warble like a nightingale, and I am also appreciated by my public for my political acumen.

Young Joe reminds me of my great hero, political heavy weight and mentor, Rick Astley. The only difference is that Joe can actually sing and doesn’t own a flashers mack. He can also dance: Rick tended to prance around like a jelly fish having a fit.

I have contacted Joe offering him my services when it comes to dealing with fame, adulation and fortune. My experience with The Cheeky Girls leaves me ideally situated to deal with any eventuality which may come his way.

Hero worship can be difficult, but it does bring financial rewards. It also means you can afford to have a TV in every room. I have therefore offered McElderry a 20% discount* voucher for any additional Sky Remotes that he may need (second hand: batteries not included).

David Posh – supplier to the rich and famous.

*Voucher can not be used in conjunction with any other offer.
Expiry date: 10 minutes ago.

TWITTER YE NOT!

Sometimes, I just can’t be bothered.

NOW YOU SEE ME....NOW YOU DON'T

I have woken this morning dear reader, to a mystery of Sherlock Holme’s proportions!!!!!!!!!!

Quite simply, some one has stolen my kudos.

Or more to the point, they have amended it.

Like Winston Smith in that left wing tirade “1984”, Ms Allen (down tiger) has changed her blog post and removed any reference to my sterling efforts to sign up new members to the local Conservative Party. I spent month upon month (or was it 5 minutes) of hard, tireless, unselfish and honest work (traits which describe my own personality) in order to push membership numbers into double figures.

With a stroke of a key board and the swathing of a sword, and I have been deleted from history, erased, expunged (yes please!) and made to look a complete chump.

Well let me tell you, I don’t need Ms Allen (down tiger) to make a fool of me – I am more than capable of doing that myself…..so there!

Clearly I am a victim of a miscarriage of justice. As a reward for my sterling work in the Westoe by election, my attendance record at council meetings, my attention to detail in the placing a certain wreath, my respect for the public purse, my love of a free buffet and my deep appreciation of first class travel at the publics expense, I have been purged from the roll of honour.

I am now a resident of “Lepersville”, cast asunder onto the scrap heap of B list Celebes, a foot note, an also ran, a man without dignity, friendless in the face of a cold, icy wind, Trotsky to Stalin…….I have become the Alan Partridge of the political world (let me sniff this onion…..sob, sob, sob)

I withdraw my support Ms Allen, and grant you the non de plume of a “double grrrr”.

http://karenallen.blogspot.com/

APPEARING SOON AT AN ELECTION NEAR YOU

It looks like my very public SOS aimed at that vixen Allen (down tiger) has provided the golden egg of support.

Ms Allen (down tiger) has a penchant for helping the afflicted, the needy and the down and out. Her recent article at http://karenallen.blogspot.com/ (don’t include “down tiger” in the internet address) acknowledges this very admirable trait. Judging by the number of times the phrase has been used, I guess the theme is “young members”.

I knew Kaz would bail me out (but I can’t tell you how I knew).

Clearly we both share the same values.

Ms Allen wants to see more female members joining the Conservative Party, and so do I!

CALLING ALL FANS OF STD'S

Bonjurno rapscallions.

The Posh is broadcasting on FM, AM and LW!

I know you have all been concerned about my mental state for a long time, so I am glad to let you all know that my “tickety boo” level is on the up.

Yesterday I received a telephone call from DJ MC Diddy over at “South Tyneside Digital Sounds” radio station. Diddy has moved over to the politics department and wants to conduct a series of in depth interviews with myself, Stinker Milburn (grrrr) and McWoody (paper round commitments depending).

Clearly Diddy has acknowledged that the Conservative Party under my leadership has evolved into a major political player when it comes to running this Borough, and I am happy to tell you that the interviews will take place next week for broadcast on Christmas Day. I feel quite humbled that the show will go out on such a religious day: Jesus was also a leader of men, and I see great parallels between his life and mine, especially the bit about his detractors wanting to crucify him.

I have also decided to publish a complete transcript of the interviews for those who have trouble receiving STD’S.

December 25th – make it a day in your diary.

KNOCK KNOCK! WHO'S THERE? NOT ME!

http://www.heraldscotland.com/comment/herald-view/light-on-expenses-1.991377

http://edinburghnews.scotsman.com/conservativeparty/Tory-activists--to-ditch.4471315.jp

SHARP EXIT

Why, oh why, oh why, do I have to keep justifying my every move?

Where were you on Remembrance Sunday?
Why didn’t you go to that meeting?
Why don’t you answer your ward members letters and telephone calls?
Why don’t you put batteries in your second hand Sky remotes?

It just goes on, and on, and on.

Sometimes I think the public would be happier if I was tagged, placed on a curfew and made to sleep in Fenwick’s window.

The latest “Spot The Posh” quiz question centres on my sharp exit at last weeks full council meeting.

For the record, I view my council attendances strictly on a “pay as you go” basis – you pay, I go! I acknowledge that whilst some very important issues still remained on the agenda for discussion, I had far, far better things to do (and I am not referring to locating a certain missing wreath).

Perhaps some people have missed the real issue when looking at the speed of my departure (I was able to get to the bar in 3 minutes flat, a council record). Without my extensive political knowledge, acumen and moral guidance, Stinker Milburn (grrrr) made a bit of a mule of himself. With McWoody otherwise engaged planning out his paper round and without yours truly to tell him when to put his hand up, the noggin went and voted with the opposition!

It is sound and well heeled knowledge that it is national Conservative Party policy to abolish the Standards Board. Stinker (grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr) voted to keep the bally thing. In his defence the chump thought he was putting his hand up to book a seat in the mayor’s car for the long journey home to The Cottage, but surely the country bumpkin should have realized that his name is always first on the list when it comes to a free ride home!

There are certain things in life which will never happen - the sea will never be parted, pigs will never fly and I will never travel second class when the public is paying. However, miracles do happen and Stinker (grrrr) could be elected to represent the good people of Jarrow. Sadly, Gordon Brown has nothing to fear. All he needs to do is spin Stinker (grrrr) around in a circle, shout “taxi”, and watch him vote with Labour!

THE CUT OF MY JIB!

Whilst my day to days are dominated with various trials and tribulations (things are so bad dear reader, I have to chop my own logs for the fire) I am consoled by the fact that at least I have an honourable military past.

Whilst the various pacifists, atheists, dole wallers, work wear shop owners and general malingers of this Borough my be very vocal about my Remembrance Day black out, at least I am prepared to put on the uniform of the Crown and head to the front line.

By instinct I am not an arrogant man, and neither am I one who likes to show off, but yours truly has been a member of the Royal Naval Reserve since I first was able to mutter the phrases “salty seadog” and “land ahoy captain”. My love of the sea was further cemented when I read such classics as “Treasure Island”, “The Sea Shall Not Have Them”, “The Caine Mutiny” and “Captain Birdseye: The Fish Finger Years”.

Not only have I received intelligence and survival briefings, been trained to how to tell the front of a boat from the back, differentiate the sea from the horizon, but I was also charged with ensuring that the rum rations were distributed efficiently. During my tenure at the bar (sorry, that should read brig), not a drop of rum was spilt or wasted, regardless of how the ship rocked and appeared blurred in bad weather.

So you can see dear reader, that I hold my navy credentials and medals in high regard, especially my 100 metre bronze life saver and Boy Scout angling badges. I am also very proud of my glittering war time activities in Korea, Vietnam, The Falklands and Bosnia.

Though Afghanistan may be a land locked country from which you can’t even smell the sea never mind “see” it, the battle against terrorism will be won on the water, not the land.

It is then my nautical chums that I, Seaman Posh, will single handily defeat Osama Bin Pugwash!

TURKEY IN THE SLAMMER

Looks like I won't have a body guard over the Christmas period then!

http://www.shieldsgazette.com/news/Police-warning-to-wifebeaters.5889875.jp

THROW ME A LIFE LINE…….

As the darkness descends and I move with increasing speed towards the light, yours truly has been checking his contacts list for life lines.

Sky TV won’t help me as I am an international market trader in their second hand remotes (batteries not included). As their Bombay rep said, they only deal in originals (with batteries).

After dismissing those who are either in prison, have died, reside in mental institutions or have had their numbers changed due to harassment issues, I have finally found a life line.

My port (Sandemans, treble) in any storm is none other than a pubic (sorry, that should read public) appeal to that vixen Karen Allen (down tiger), prospective MP for South Shields.

Let it be known, The Posh is in favour of female Councillor’s, MP’s and election officers – they make excellent cups of tea, make great decisions when it comes to wall paper, and frankly, I love poking the fire in a familiar election office (sorry that should read environment).

All I ask in return for my support at the next election (including delivering leaflets, pounding the streets and knocking on doors) is that she publicly endorses me on her website within the next 3 days!

Help me Kaz (sob, sob, tears, tears) cast aside all my faults and all you have heard about me (OK, just what can be proved) .

I am but a man!

In return I will devote all my political experience and energy to your cause.

The clock is ticking.

Over to you KA (down tiger).

WHATS THAT SMELL?

Afternoon campers, and thanks for calling back.

My life at the moment can only be described “troublesome”. I am in essence “getting shafted” from all angles.

Like a great white hunter, my detractors and stalkers are closing in for the final kill, and I suspect that my days as a major political force within this Borough are numbered.

McWoody is claiming I have the smell of death about me. I normally blame my Hai Karate after shave when such an aroma issue raises its head. This time I can’t – it was pinched when I was burgled!

However, whenever I am on one of my major dickey downers, I am reminded of the words of that great Conservative philosopher, Black Adder The Third.

“My every path is strewn with the cow pats from the devils own satanic herd”.

Stinker Milburn (grrr) claims to have a plan to save my very ample behind. Sadly, Black Adder has already cast his eye over it:

“There was a tiny flaw in the plan – it was bollocks”

I’m doomed dear punter, doomed!

DID YOU SEE THIS MAN?

MISSING PERSON’S REPORT
FILING OFFICER: PC DIBBLE

1. I received a report on 8th November that Councillor and market trader David Posh had gone missing. He was due to present himself on the day in question at East Bilburn Cenotaph at 10.15 p.m. He was honoured with the duty of presenting a wreath on behalf of South Tyneside Council in acknowledgement of those who had died for their country. Accounts show that Councillor Posh and his wreath failed to show up.

2. Extensive police activity, including (public) house to (public) house enquiries, failed to locate Councillor Posh.

3. Subsequent research found Councillor Posh to be located at a drop in house for ex service men in Sunderland Museum. Covered in fake medals (including a forged cycling proficiency badge), Posh was discovered to be scrounging free soup and begging for a bed for the night.

4. This case has now been closed, and Councillor Posh’s details passed on to the Salvation Army.

AWOL

Some of my detractors and stalkers have of late been making certain accusations that yours truly did not attend the Remembrance Day Ceremony in East Bilburn circa 8th November.

As a consequence of my “no show”, a Council wreath to honour those who have died in conflicts was not presented.

I would like to take the opportunity, via this well attended and much visited public forum, to set the record straight.

Several explanations have been offered re this very public escape act (both by myself, Max Clifford and the Council) but as always, the truth is actually stranger than science fiction.

Like a well endowed Miss Marple mystery, my failure to cash in on what would have been a very honourable public experience, had it’s origins in the following twists, turns and white rapids.

1. I got the date wrong and actually turned up on the previous Sunday.

2. I got the date wrong and turned up on the following Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. You can imagine my surprise when I was confronted with the fact that nobody else had the decency to show their faces. Under these circumstances and with the application of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it can be mathematically shown that I went to the cenotaph in East Bilburn six more times than the average punter. Respect!

3. I couldn’t find the wreath in amongst the thousand’s of other wreaths I had in Margaret Thatcher Towers.

4. I couldn’t find East Bilburn, though I understand it can be found next to Cleawood.

5. It was actually Stinker Milburn and McWoody’s fault as they did not mention the gig to me when we had a policy meeting in The Red Lion.

6. The night before Remembrance Day, I was at a boxing bash to raise funds for survivors of the Battle of Hastings, the Peninsula Wars, the Napoleonic Wars and the Boer War. Whilst attendance was threadbare, I was still honouring those who had fallen, especially through drink.

7. On reflection, it has occurred to me that I was in attendance on the day. I was in fact in “camouflage”. I don’t mean I was sober, but I had been “on manoeuvres” with Cheesey Muldoon the night before. This may be why nobody actually saw me at the back of the public gathering. I was in a stuper, sorry, I mean bush!

I therefore feel that criticism’s of my actions on the day, or any another day, are completely without foundation.

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 005

“My diary entry for the day in question”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 004

“My Naval uniform”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 003

“I’M A NAVAL RESERVIST DON’T YOU KNOW?”

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 002

"I was stuck on the toilet!"

REMEMBRANCE DAY SNAPS 001

“Is this the queue for The Red Lion?”

NO WHEELS = NO MEALS

Not only does The Posh like a bit of spice in his life, but he also likes a bit of spice in his meals. That’s why I always order my curry’s from my good and only ethnic friend, Idi Amin.

As you all know, Idi Amin has always had a good relationship with councillors, especially when you ring up to order your meals with the preface “Hello, I am a Councillor, what can you do for me?”

Idi owns at least 500 take away curry houses in the Shields area alone.

He is the equivalent of a Muslim McDonalds.

In fact, he should call his outlets “McPoppadoms”, such is his business acumen.

However, something must have gone wrong tonight. I placed an order for my favourite meals over three hours ago, and still have not received them.

I hope this has nothing to do with a spate of wheel clamping's that have taken place in the Lawe Top area of South Shields.

No wheels = no meals.

As an international market trader, even I know that if your business is so good, you can afford to tax your car, especially when you drive it all day!

Looks like I will have to find another ethnic friend who can supply me with cheap meals.

THANK GOD FOR CCTV

Over the last few days the police have been circulating a series of CCTV mug shots taken from cameras in and around Margaret Thatcher Towers.

I firmly believe that the culprit(s) who committed this crime is one of my political opponents or an individual jealous of my market trading abilities.

With this in mind, the police have been circulating copies of the pictures in the places where I spend most of my time, including the toilet at the Red Lion, the linen cupboard at The Little Haven, and Gregg’s.

Using this rationale, PC Dibble to could see little benefit in distributing the pictures in the main council offices.

However, it has been pointed out to me that several of the pictures are actually of “associates” of mine, their images being caught on camera as they legitimately visited Margaret Thatcher Towers.

I order to avoid any confusion, I have posted the images below together with an explanation as to who is a suspect, and who is not (these people form images 002 - 007).

The main suspects, known to Interpol, the FBI and the World Puppet Association as “The A Team”, are currently the prime suspects (image 001).

Don’t have nightmares!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

IMAGE 001

EXISTING POLICE MUG SHOTS. AFTER CAREFUL CONSIDERATION AND SEVERAL LARGE GINS, I BELIEVE THIS IS THE GANG OF INTERNATIONAL SECOND HAND SKY REMOTE TRADERS (BATTERIES MUST BE INCLUDED) THAT BROKE INTO MARGARET THATCHER TOWERS.

IMAGE 002

STINKER MILBURN AND MCWOODY ARRIVING FOR OUR YEARLY WARD SURGERY

IMAGE 003

MY COOK, JOINER AND PART TIME CIRCUS ENTERTAINER

IMAGE 004

MY OLD SCHOOL CHUM, CHEESEY MULDOON

IMAGE 005

MY ACCOUNTANTS, THE MALCOVITCH BROTHERS

IMAGE 006

MY OLD AUNT FANNY

IMAGE 007

MY SECURITY TEAM AND BODY GUARDS