AN UPDATE ON THE VIOLATION OF MY BACK PASSAGE

What ho dear punter, and a good day to you all.

Despite the violation of my privates yesterday, I am feeling slightly better after a good nights sleep at a local hostelry. It’s surprising what you can scrounge when you’re a councillor.

I shall be offering a full review of my stay later on this week.

I have had two very important meetings today.

The first was with Stinker Milburn (grrrr) who has donned his Sherlock Holmes hat and like a dog with a very wet nose unleashed himself on the trail of the robbers and vagabonds who defiled my abode. He has also formulated a theory as to who the suspected candidates are re said violation. More on that later.

My second get together was a visit from the local constabulary who kindly updated me on their efforts to catch the culprits. Being a man of very great self-importance, together with my international standing in the market, PC plod is taking the issue very seriously and has passed on all relevant information to Interpol, MI5, MI6, the CIA, Special Branch, the FBI and Malcovitch Brothers, Insecurity Consultants.

Due to the high security threat which threatens my well being, I have been forced to employ a couple of "minders". They will also be involved in intelligence work, and are charged with producing a list of suspected culprits.

More on that later.

The net is closing and the trap has been set.

The perpetrators of this terrible political crime face a good stretch of porridge at Her Majesty’s pleasure. If I had my way I would deport the lot of them to Scotland.

The post below outlines the full copy of the police report covering this extremely traumatic event.

OFFICIAL POLICE REPORT

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
POLICE REPORT RE BURGLARY, MARGARET THATCHER TOWERS.
OFFICER DIBBLE IN ATTENDANCE.

1. I received a call from a hysterical, screaming woman claiming that her house had been broken in to. On arriving at the scene of crime I was made aware that the “woman” was in fact David Posh, a professional market trader and part time councillor. He was in a state of shock and very agitated. The trauma of the event had caused him to slur his words and he was unable to walk in a straight line.
2. After calming down Mr Posh with a treble gin, I carried out a full forensic inspection of the crime scene. Entry had been gained via Mr Posh’s back passage, and broken glass was found outside on the path. The burglar had considerately managed to prevent any broken glass scattering inside the property. I managed to recover some fibres and hairs from the scene. DNA tests have shown that the burglar may have been a horse or a very ugly woman with connections to the circus. I have decided not to follow this line of enquiry as Mr Posh believes the hair may belong to a female acquaintance of his.
3. A list of stolen items has been forwarded to Interpol and will be circulated to all second hand shops in the Borough. Items included a very controversial camera memory card, a small amount of money and a computer hard drive. However, several other high value items were left untouched, including several pairs of men’s underwear and numerous second hand Sky Remotes, though I understand from the victim that they do not include batteries (this may be why the burglar left them untouched).
4. I took the opportunity to ask the victim if he had any idea as to who was behind the robbery. Mr Posh provided me with several leads, including a list of 574 people who voted for Alan Mordain at the last local election, the voters roll for the Beacon and Bents ward, and the entire population of Scotland.
5. Mr Posh is convinced that the robbery is a result of his fame, fortune, political acumen and general well standing in the community. He is clearly still in a state of shock.
6. I shall submit a further report within the next few days.

I HAVE BEEN VIOLATED…….

Over the last few weeks I have enlightened you, my dear readers, on the etiquette re the problems of “politics with envy”.

The seriousness of the scenario was brought home to me last night.

As I came back from not attending another Council related meeting, I was greeted with a terrible state of affairs!

Margaret Thatcher Towers had been invaded!

And not by the Hun!

There was glass all over the outside of the window, my keys were in the door, and the house alarm had been left in the “idle” position!

I had been burgled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I quickly paid the taxi on council expenses, sobered up, and realized that the atrocious mess had nothing to do with me.

It soon occurred to yours truly that I had been targeted for my political leadership qualities!

Yes dear reader, I had been “turned over” for my fame!

But as you know me, my fans – “The Posh” is not the type of person who lies down, takes it, and has his private area violated!!!!

Jeepers, I will fight to the last!

First things first.

I have lodged an insurance claim for:

75 stolen Sky second hand remotes (batteries not included).

However, several other personal items were left untouched.

Mickey Mouse Rolex Watch – Original as sold to me at Hull Market, 2007.

10 Euros (left for all to see) valued by Trader Gash/px14/PaulPenfold/CastleMain4X at £10,000 (that’s why I am a market trader dear reader – I know how to “deal”)

Stinker Milburn’s (grrr!) underpants

McWoody’s (uhhh!) underpants.

The Cheeky Girls underpants.

What was actually stolen is listed below:

1. Stinker Milburn’s (grrrr!) camera memory card re his “campaign” and girly constituency activities!
2. McWoody’s paper round map.
3. My “hard drive” with details for my plans re that vixen Allen (down tiger).

However, I have taken steps to protect my underpants (sorry, I mean property) from further attacks.

My initial reaction was to consult my good friends the Malcovitch Brothers, Insecurity Consultants.

But as they have said, “Posh, we look after you when it comes to your expenses claims, so go and @@@@ yourself”. They did however, remind me of my good friend and confidante Carl Zanitte.

Carl, or as he is known to his friends, “Bully” (he has a black belt in “Jenga”), is known for his ability to deal with the “unknown”.

When I say “unknown”, I of course mean lippy, yappy females who deserve a good slap.

When I say slap, I of course mean a good hiding with a knife – for that is Carl’s specialty, beating the pulp out of those (especially woman) who have no way of defending themselves.

That’s why he is looking after Margaret Thatcher Towers – I wanted to scare you and strike the fear of god into you with the knowledge that yours truly associates with people who are prepared to knock the shit out of women.

And I promote the fact that I do.

If in doubt, see my twitterings!

http://twitter.com/davidpotts101/status/6131119065

How hard am I, Mr. Burglar, how hard!


PS - Over the next few days I shall be posting a full crime report re the violation of Margaret Thatcher Towers.

Those of a faint heart should look away………soon!

FAME AT LAST

Reports are reaching the ears of your truly that stickers have been seen in the Cleawood and East Bilburn ward advertising this site.

Apparently bus stops, transport crossings and public houses are all displaying small adverts promoting my little on line diary.

I know I have a large fan base, and whilst I don’t in any way promote the idea of fly posting, at least now the voters of my ward will finally be able to read about what I really get up to on their behalf.

Who needs letters in The Gazette when you’ve got the ticket machines at the Metro advertising your site?

Fame at last!

MAN ABOUT TOWN

For those of you who have a particular penchant for the sartorial but elegant, you may find the site below helpful in your desires to rise above the level of “mediocre”.

I personally wouldn’t shop anywhere else!

http://www.thechap.net/

WHAT A CHEEK!

Many thanks to all my fans who have contacted me about the picture I had taken with the “Cheeky Girls”. Your emails, flowers and phone calls have been much appreciated.

Some of you have also posed a couple of rather pertinent questions and I am happy to supply the following answers.

Firstly, the jumper I have on is part of the “Farah Winter Action” range, and is also available in grey, double grey and dull. I have used my market trading connections to acquire a pallet of said jumpers, which I shall be trading in over the next few days. If you have the style to wear the garment, you’ll have to be quick as demand is going to be heavy.

Secondly, I’m not sure if I missed a council meeting in order to attend the lunch. The issue here is that my presence at this little shindig served the public good to a greater degree than my attendance at any meeting ever would.

Thirdly, yes it is true that the “Cheeky Girls” referred to Stinker (grrrr!) and I as the “Cheeky Boys”!

“We are the Cheeky Girls
We are the Cheeky Girls
You are the Cheeky Boys
You are the Cheeky Boys”

Poetry in motion dear readers, poetry in motion.


http://twitpic.com/qjr90

WHERE’S THE GRATITUDE?

One of the major drawbacks of having a high political and entrepreneurial profile is that the public can sometimes expect too much from you. Take for example my chum and prospective parliamentary candidate (grrr!), Stinker Milburn.

Last week Stinker (in his own time I must say) organized a ward surgery for Cleawood and East Bilburn. Sadly, due to the fact that he had no access to the Mayor’s limo and with lots of more worthy things to do, he was 25 minutes late. Sadly, the rabble that had turned up were a bit miffed, moaning on about “lives to lead”, “jobs to do” and in one case, “children to pick up”.

This episode shows that it is impossible to make some people happy. They should be grateful that Stinker actually decided to hold a surgery, never mind whining on about the fact he was late.

The great unwashed must realize that as members of the electorate, their job is to serve their public representatives, not the other way round!

TWO ARSES!

When it comes to feeding the needy, the starving, the oppressed and the afflicted, there is nobody quicker to the front of the buffet queue than yours truly, closely followed by non other than Stinker Milburn himself.

Whilst old Milber’s might have had a cheek to pull the wool from under my hooves when it came to who should stand against that great ball dribbler and expenses stalwart Stephen Hepburn MP, at least he had the decency to invite me to meet and eat with that great vocal duet, “The Cheeky Girls”. (McWoody couldn’t make it, he had his paper round to finish).

The Monster Munch was free which made it wonderful; though the chat was limited (Stinker struggles with English, never mind that strange Slav dialect the two ladies have picked up).

I admire Stinker; he has the ability to spin many, many plates. His recent antics may have escaped the eyes of Mrs Stinker, but the rest of the negatives have yet to be developed.

Perhaps I may just get that nomination!


NOTE: I PREFER TO TRADE IN $!

GROOVY BABY

Some time ago I found out that local DJ MC Diddy was writing a song about yours truly. I have just received a copy of said ode and what a cracker it is. It makes me very proud to have a song written about me.

I have copied the lyrics below so you can sing along with me. The tune is based on a popular song by that 60’s beat combo, “The Kinks”.

Stinker, McWoody and I will be getting low down to this groove at a local night club near you!


“I am a dull and simple fop
Cannot tell water from champagne
and I have never met the Queen
And I wish I could have all he has got –

I wish I could be like David Posh

And when I lie on my pillow at night
I dream I could trade like David Posh
And lead the Conservative Group to victory
Take my expenses and spend the lot

He is the head boy of the three
He is the captain of the group
His is so gay (but not that way) and fancy free
And I wish I could have all the Sky remotes (batteries not included) he's got

I wish I could be like David Posh

And all the girls in the Red Lion
Try to go out with David Posh
They try their best but can't succeed
For he is of pure and noble greed”

http://www.musicsonglyrics.com/K/kinkslyrics/kinksdavidwattslyrics.htm

I LOVE A MOAT........

As most readers know, I am not only a well known and well heeled “man about town”, but I am also a “man about the country”. My business and political interests take me to some fantastic places and I am always happy to recommend various venues of pleasure that I have frequented.

With this in mind, please follow the link below. Just scroll down via the side bar to see what I had to say about the gaff.

Nothing is to “posh” for The Posh!

http://www.moathouse.co.uk/index.php?pagesub=9

DEMOCRACY IN ACTION

McWoody and Stinker Milburn have been complaining lately that the rotten public has been plaguing them with calls about social disorder issues, rotten roads and threats to close local specialist schools.

Yours truly has no such problem. At the moment I have no outstanding council case work, such is my ability to deal my wards problems efficiently, personally and successfully.

It has nothing to do with the fact that the contact number listed in the local CAF documents (you know the publication I mean, the one that is available for the great unwashed to attempt to read) is unobtainable.

That dear reader, is the only way to be accessible to your electorate!

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF DAVID POSH

The alarm clock goes off at 11 am. There’s no a lie-in for me today as I’m taking the day off work to concentrate solely on council matters.

11.05 am, and all council matters have been dealt with for the month.

However, there is no rest for the idle as today we have a VIP visiting South Tyneside!

Cllr Margaret Eaton OBE (god bless her), Chairman of the LGA (no equality here dear boy, and no “chairwomen” either) has agreed to come up to look at some issues facing both our borough and the wider region. I like Margaret, she’s a councilor with bags of money, sorry, I mean experience, and is always willing to listen and provide contacts, sorry, I mean advice. She could also do my political career the world of good. Since the Scots ditched me like an imported haggis and in view of Stinker Millburn’s betrayal, I need a helping hand in order to secure a safe seat for 2010, either at local or national level.

I have organized a pretty packed schedule for Margaret and I. After meeting her at Jarrow Metro Station, where she had arrived from Newcastle (why didn’t she get a taxi and put it on expenses like I do?), we head straight off to take a look around the new Tyne Tunnel II project. I believe that this scheme is essential for South Tyneside‘s transport infrastructure as it lines the pockets of consultants and ensures that I can get to the races a bit quicker. The elected mayor of North Tyneside is also present and try’s to hog some of my limelight. Elected Mayor? How dare they. The mayor’s position demands respect and shouldn’t be open to any Tom, Dick or some other working class name to stand for. If this type of left wing/Marxist/anarchist/communist behavior catches on in South Tyneside poor old Stinker will have to jump on the number 30 the next time he has to much free booze!

Then it’s straight off to St Paul’s church in Jarrow, where Cllr Eaton endorses our world heritage bid for ancient monuments like Eddie McAtominey, and we meet with the mayors and mayoresses of Sunderland and South Tyneside, who also pitched in to make the most of the buffet. This is followed by a meeting with the council leader, the filling in and endorsing of expenses forms, free drinks and Monster Munch, and a tour of the famous room where the ballot boxes vanished.

Fortunately we are running slightly ahead of schedule, so I have 10 minutes to make a couple of calls to constituents to update them on their cases.

I make the calls, but still remain 9 minutes ahead.

After a couple of trebles, we show Cllr Eaton around some local community schemes. One of these, the ‘community payback’ project, falls under the logo of ‘Justice seen, justice done, monkey do’. This came about as a result of recommendations from a review carried out by Louise Casey, the government’s crime czar. While I believe in being tough on crime, it was extremely depressing to see young men and women in high visibility clothing with signage pointing at them carrying degrading and humiliating logos. I really don’t think this does anything to support their rehabilitation. Note to self: More extreme measures are needed. I must campaign to have these fops publicly flogged and deported to Australia.

Margaret then returned to Newcastle to catch her train. I asked her why she didn’t fly, and something was mentioned about her carbon footprint, though her shoes looked pretty clean to me. I slipped her a second hand Sky remote (batteries not included) so that she would remember her visit to South Tyneside. Not that she needed it; someone pinched her hand bag when she was in the Town Hall.

That’s ballot boxes and a bag that have now been stolen.

I go home at 6 pm, have a wee dram and catch up on some ongoing case work.

At 6.01 pm the job is done and its time to wet what is already a very damp whistle.

Those wags at the Red Lion have no idea what I do all day. As I enter the bar I am often greeted with that well known north east two fingered hello and the question, “Posh, what the hell do you do all day?”

Now they know dear reader, now they know!

Cllr David Posh, is a market trader and part time leader of the Conservative group on South Tyneside council. He is the LGA’s portfolio holder for wasting public money.

A satirical and completely made up version of this post can be found at:

http://www.lga.gov.uk/lga/core/page.do?pageId=5373706

IN FROM THE COLD

Like Shackleton coming back from a very chilly trip, I have returned triumphant. I survived the food, survived the natives and survived the very volatile market conditions. You wouldn’t believe it, the Germans actually insist on selling their second hand Sky remotes WITH BATTERIES INCLUDED. Poor old Grandpa Posh would turn in his crypt if he thought he fought two wars only to be faced with such down right recklessness from the Hun.

Luckily I am the forgiving type, and despite their obsession with sausage, I have put my differences aside. I also shifted 2 remotes, together with a pallet of Farah action slack trousers (waist 50”, inside leg 15”, bright pink) – Those Berliner’s are a very cosmopolitan lot.

The next couple of days will be spent recovering from jet lag, and then I shall be putting pen to paper to cover some very important topics. I will be offering advice on the subject of romance, specifically on how to “spin many plates at a time”, and I shall also be giving you an insight into “a day in the life” of Councilor David Posh.

Stay tuned dear reader; you’re in for a treat!

FOREIGN TRADER

As most of know, yours truly earns a modest crust as a market trader. Lately I have been faced with the presence of johnny foreigner on my patch. These days, cheese, olives and fatty sausages are more prevalent on market stalls than the usual stalwarts of books with pages missing and second hand shoes (left only).

Exhibiting the Spirit of Dunkirk, I have decided to become a “foreign market trader”. I am taking my stock abroad and embarking for the continent. If things go well and I survive the food and the swamp water which oozes out of their taps, the Hun will have abandoned its obsession with bratwurst and instead be turning their TV’s over with English second hand Sky remotes (batteries not included).

I shall return to this little online diary on Wednesday.

(L)(A)UGH OUT (L)(O)UD – (N)O YOU DONT

The champagne grape vine is alive with the news that Pongo Khan has escaped the long arm of the law.

If this is justice, then I am a banana.

The last time I gave any credence to human rights legislation it was very clear that it was against the law to stop a fellow colleague from making a fool of himself in front of the media.

What the 4X has happened to the rule of law?

If a man wants to make a complete fop of himself in public, then he should be allowed to do so.

Councilors shouldn't’t be allowed to rampage through the borough protecting their community from embarrassment.

Take me for example. I knew Stinker Milburn was crocked, but the Mayor’s limo was the only way to get him home before his wife realized he was missing in action!

Was I hauled in front of the beak?

No I flipping well was not. I looked after a chum, and suffered no punishment.

The fact that I am white has nothing to do with it.

IN TOUCH

I am glad to see that during my enforced absence, my fellow councillors Stinker Milburn and McWoody have not been behaving like idle whippersnappers. Whilst engaged on his paper round, McWoody managed to deliver this decade’s ward newsletter, “In Touch”.

The newsletter is a very valuable medium for updating those members of the public who cannot attend council meetings. I myself find it very useful.

A dominating issue is a local supermarkets attempt to extend its licensing hours. McWoody and Stinker Milburn are against the plans as neither of them live in the area and don’t need access the shop. I am also against the proposals: if the public need more time to buy alcohol they should do what I have done and either have a wine cellar built under their floorboards, or permanently move into the Red Lion. These are the only dignified ways to have 24-hour access to the old mothers ruin.

I am glad to see that the matter of Oakleigh Gardens has been given a mention. As I said to McWoody at the time, this nations historic horticultural paradises need to be preserved. What would the public say if the government drove a Stalinist tractor over national treasures such as Kew Gardens, or indeed my own front lawn at Margaret Thatcher Towers? My anger further tripled like a gin at happy hour when I found out that Oakleigh Gardens was actually a school! Whatever next, Eton, Harrow, Boldon Church of England Primary School?

Sadly, in my absence, Stinker has taken another opportunity to brag about his selection to fight the Jarrow constituency at the next general election. Though he knows this cuts me to the core, at least he had the decency not to mention that vixen Allen (down tiger). However, in the spirit of appeasement somewhat represented by the Treaty of Versailles, I have gone a long way to smoothing over some very oily, turbulent and muddied waters. I have promised Milbers that I will devote as much time to his election campaign as I did to the recent by election in Westoe.

What ho, victory assured!

REPORTS OF MY DEATH HAVE BEEN GREATLY EXAGGERATED

Well dear readers, where do I begin?

The last couple of weeks have been absolutely snotty. Due to an unfortunate reference to the relationship between “parasites” and those hordes of unwashed, work-shy proles who claim free money from the government, I was forced to become a virtual hermit in my own stately home. Living on nothing but Bollinger, quails eggs and Monster Munch, sustained intellectually only by my Betamax copies of “Upstairs Downstairs”, and having no contact with the outside world other than my free council attendance cheques, I bunkered down to weather a pretty stomper of a storm.

However, it takes more than a lynch mob headed by Pongo Khan to stop yours truly. Like Omar Sharif in the scene from David MacLean’s “Lawrence of Arabia”, I have shimmied through the haze and returned to continue the good fight, though obviously minus a camel.

Let me take this opportunity to set the record straight. In my view a “parasite” is somebody who:

1. Happily takes money from the public purse but does nothing in return for it.
2. Offers himself up to attend work, and then doesn’t bother to turn up.
3. Justifies his stance on the receipt of handouts under the guise that he provides value for money.
4. Often hangs around with people of a similar outlook, thereby perpetuating the myth that he does indeed work for his money.

I stand by my original hypothesis, but apologise for any confusion or distress that this may have caused me. I will not tolerate anybody who views the public purse as a way of either lining their own pockets or as a way to avoid the type of work that contributes to society.

It is now time to move the debate onwards and upwards, preferably with me at the head of it.

Clearly I have a lot of catching up to do and I intend to do it. Whilst some may wish to put a knife in my back, nobody has silver cutlery as good as mine.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “I’ll be back”……and I am.