IN TOUCH

I am glad to see that during my enforced absence, my fellow councillors Stinker Milburn and McWoody have not been behaving like idle whippersnappers. Whilst engaged on his paper round, McWoody managed to deliver this decade’s ward newsletter, “In Touch”.

The newsletter is a very valuable medium for updating those members of the public who cannot attend council meetings. I myself find it very useful.

A dominating issue is a local supermarkets attempt to extend its licensing hours. McWoody and Stinker Milburn are against the plans as neither of them live in the area and don’t need access the shop. I am also against the proposals: if the public need more time to buy alcohol they should do what I have done and either have a wine cellar built under their floorboards, or permanently move into the Red Lion. These are the only dignified ways to have 24-hour access to the old mothers ruin.

I am glad to see that the matter of Oakleigh Gardens has been given a mention. As I said to McWoody at the time, this nations historic horticultural paradises need to be preserved. What would the public say if the government drove a Stalinist tractor over national treasures such as Kew Gardens, or indeed my own front lawn at Margaret Thatcher Towers? My anger further tripled like a gin at happy hour when I found out that Oakleigh Gardens was actually a school! Whatever next, Eton, Harrow, Boldon Church of England Primary School?

Sadly, in my absence, Stinker has taken another opportunity to brag about his selection to fight the Jarrow constituency at the next general election. Though he knows this cuts me to the core, at least he had the decency not to mention that vixen Allen (down tiger). However, in the spirit of appeasement somewhat represented by the Treaty of Versailles, I have gone a long way to smoothing over some very oily, turbulent and muddied waters. I have promised Milbers that I will devote as much time to his election campaign as I did to the recent by election in Westoe.

What ho, victory assured!