OFFICIAL POLICE REPORT

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL
POLICE REPORT RE BURGLARY, MARGARET THATCHER TOWERS.
OFFICER DIBBLE IN ATTENDANCE.

1. I received a call from a hysterical, screaming woman claiming that her house had been broken in to. On arriving at the scene of crime I was made aware that the “woman” was in fact David Posh, a professional market trader and part time councillor. He was in a state of shock and very agitated. The trauma of the event had caused him to slur his words and he was unable to walk in a straight line.
2. After calming down Mr Posh with a treble gin, I carried out a full forensic inspection of the crime scene. Entry had been gained via Mr Posh’s back passage, and broken glass was found outside on the path. The burglar had considerately managed to prevent any broken glass scattering inside the property. I managed to recover some fibres and hairs from the scene. DNA tests have shown that the burglar may have been a horse or a very ugly woman with connections to the circus. I have decided not to follow this line of enquiry as Mr Posh believes the hair may belong to a female acquaintance of his.
3. A list of stolen items has been forwarded to Interpol and will be circulated to all second hand shops in the Borough. Items included a very controversial camera memory card, a small amount of money and a computer hard drive. However, several other high value items were left untouched, including several pairs of men’s underwear and numerous second hand Sky Remotes, though I understand from the victim that they do not include batteries (this may be why the burglar left them untouched).
4. I took the opportunity to ask the victim if he had any idea as to who was behind the robbery. Mr Posh provided me with several leads, including a list of 574 people who voted for Alan Mordain at the last local election, the voters roll for the Beacon and Bents ward, and the entire population of Scotland.
5. Mr Posh is convinced that the robbery is a result of his fame, fortune, political acumen and general well standing in the community. He is clearly still in a state of shock.
6. I shall submit a further report within the next few days.