PARTY WIVES

Whilst trying to repair a set of rain damaged Sky Remote buttons (batteries not included) I accidentally pressed “11” and my telly tuned in to “Sky 3”. I spent the next hour transfixed and intoxicated with a documentary on Conservative Party wives. Their resemblance to my dear old Aunt Fanny was uncanny. Imagine then, my shock and awe when the programme finished only to reveal itself as being about BNP wives!

I was outraged – how dare Sky 3 deliberately allow me to be fooled by what are two very similar groups of wives.

I don’t pay my licence fee to be led down the mansion path by a bunch of Marxist programme makers.

I immediately fired off a letter to Sky demanding that this type of misleading propaganda never happens again (and for good measure I also asked that they use a water resistant plastic on his remote controls).

So there!!!!!!!!

NOTE TO SELF

According to BBC News 24 India is experiencing problems in getting its infrastructure up to standard for the Commonwealth Games in 2010. Something about too many cows on the streets and the workers not being able to get out of bed on time. This would never have happened in the days of the good old British Raj!!!!!!!!!!

Never mind, temper tantrums get you nowhere.

As Chief Executive of the failed Gypsies Green Olympic 2016 bid, I was extremely disappointed that we did not succeed, and that my expenses claims would come to an end (note to self: delete this last statement on publication).

Undeterred, I have had my thinking top hat on and devised a rather spiffing solution.

At the next full council meeting your three (or two, or one, depending who draws the short straw) Conservative councillors will be putting forward a motion calling for the Commonwealth Games 2010 to be staged at Gypsies Green. The plans re the Olympic bid are easily transferable, and according to Stinker, the proximity of Ocean Road will give some folk the impression they are actually in India.

All I need dear readers, is your support. So get writing to the Gazette, and lets put this area on the map and get those expense claims rolling in again (note to self: delete this last statement on publication).

WHAT THE PUBLIC DOESN'T KNOW

Judging by today’s papers, it would appear that the press has whipped it self into another Imperial Leather lather over MP expenses claims. Not only are some of our esteemed representatives going to be made to repay some of their claims, but poor old Jacqui Smith is being forced to apologise to parliament on a mere technicality. Whilst Jacqui may be a Labour oink, I do have a certain amount of sympathy for her. Her only crime was to nominate a bedroom in her sister’s house as her official residence. I myself would have struggled on the issue “rooms” and where one’s “official residence” should be. My time is spilt equally between Margaret Thatcher Towers and the back room at The Red Lion, so I can appreciate her dilemma.

What people don’t realize is that being a local or national politician is a very expensive business. In order to represent the ward of Cleawood and East Bilburn, your three councillors have had to take on “additional work”. McWoody has his paper rounds, Stinker Milburn deals in scrap, and I myself often moonlight for an escort agency. The additional income from these jobs allows us to produce a ward newsletter of a four yearly basis.

In order to underpin the newsletter distribution, I have also been forced to take on a paid vice chair position for a council sub committee. Luckily, the cash is not dependent on appearances. To be honest, Stinker, McWoody and I have a newsletter planned for distribution in 2013, and it’s taking up so much of my time that committee meetings aren’t even on the agenda. The new edition is going to be a bumper issue, though I think setting our sights on two sides of A5 may be a little to ambitious.

As you can see dear readers, there’s more to being a councillor or MP than simply going to meetings and making expense claims…..and I’m living proof!

Ching ching!

THE B FACTOR

Some of you chaps may have noticed that there have been no updates over the last few days.

For the record, the silence has nothing to do with the Conservative Party Conference. Whilst I saw my political ambitions cantering down this particular track, those kilted heathens in Scotland pulled the persian rug from under my feet. Further local desires were also kiboshed when the local top table nominated Stinker Milburn and that vixen Allen (down tiger) for the fight against the current regional incumbents.

What a double drat that was.

No dear punter, I have been to the big smoke in connection with that popular TV reality programme, The “B” Factor. As all followers of decorum and decency know, The B Factor is a national talent contest charged with the task of finding the country’s best butler.

Like a well heeled horse trainer or a lion to the slaughter (take your pick), I put forward the admirable Rigg for the scrutiny of the judges. Would you believe it, the bloke acted like Red Rum, took first place and romped into the next round.

Over the next few weeks, I shall be mentoring the old boy at Margaret Thatcher Towers, educating him in the best rules of etiquette, and making sure he swots up on his Jeeves and Wooster books.

As it turns out, the Borough did spiffingly well on the night. Stinker Milburn will be mentoring the Mayor’s Chauffer, and McWoody has been given a wild card for his valet, who also caddies for his newspaper round.

Stay tuned this weekend dear viewer, and remember, use your vote!

RIPPING YARN

Stinker Milburn has just been on the phone.

He’s discovered a ripping yarn called “No Expenses Spared” by Robert Winnett and Gordon Rayner. His butler has been reading him extracts whilst he waits for the mayor’s car to pick him.

Apparently it’s the bee’s knees when it comes to claiming expenses.

I thought I was the font of all knowledge when it came to free public money, but this oracle contains a few tricks even I hadn’t thought off. I must get myself a copy and put it on expenses.