IN THE CHAIR TODAY

DIDDY: Evening again, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome once again to STD’S “What’s My Gaff”, an interview with one of South Tyneside’s major political and business representatives. Yesterday we had all round gaff boy David Posh. Today we have his colleague Stinker Milburn. Stinker is prospective parliamentary candidate for Jarrow, the constituency next to Karen Allen’s South Shields. The phrase “Beauty and The Beast” immediately comes to mind. Please take a seat Mr Milburn, or can I call you Stinker?

STINKER MILBURN: I prefer Milbers, but never mind. This seat is damp!

DIDDY: Yes, that’s your friend Posh for you. He cried buckets yesterday. My feet were soaking and it leaked into the studio below. But less of his gaffs, and more of yours. Tell me Stink, was the use of the Mayor’s car a major Gaff?

STINKER MILBURN: I’m glad you have given me the opportunity to address this issue Diddy, and if I may just read you what Max Clifford has asked me to say. Ahem…(ruffle of paper) On the day in question I worked a consecutive 24 hours on ward related matters, and as a consequence forgot to have anything to eat. On the evening I attended a naval military strategy meeting called to organise the fight against the BNP in South Tyneside. Whilst there, I had half a shandy. Having not eaten for the last seven days, the drink went straight to my head. The next thing I knew I was on my way home in the Mayor’s car, and the only memory I have is of the Cheeky Girls.

DIDDY: Absolutely marvellous Milliband, a tale worthy of Agatha Christie herself. Tell me, your statement from Max Clifford, is that Posh’s writing?

STINKER MILBURN: It might be.

DIDDY: (shakes head) I just can’t believe. It’s becoming like “Ground Hog Day”. Let’s move forward if we possibly can. I have here a series of questions that have been sent in by your ward members.

STINKER MILBURN: Great, I’ve been waiting for this part of the quiz.

DIDDY: Sorry, what did you say?

STINKER MILBURN: I’ll have two from the top and four from the bottom.

DIDDY: What are you going on about Stig?

STINKER MILBURN: I don’t know the answer to that one. Can I phone a friend?

DIDDY: Have you got any?

STINKER MILBURN: Pass.

DIDDY: I think I can spot a pattern here. Tell me Stinkeroonie, what did you watch on the TV last night?

STINKER MILBURN: Our survey said “The Best Quiz Shows of the Decade”.

DIDDY: My god, neither you nor Posh are capable of any individual thought, are you? Sorry listeners, but I’m going to bring this programme to a premature close. Let’s finish with “No Expenses Spared” by the Cheeky Councils.

DIDDY LEAVES - STUDIO GOES DARK.

STINKER MILBURN: Do I get my “(Blankety) Blank Cheque Book and Pen” now, I need it to claim my expenses, especially the blank cheque. Diddy, Diddy! Why am I sitting in the dark? Diddy, Diddy! Oh my God, I’m on Mastermind!