DIDDY: Morning and welcome to “STD’S Radio”, coming to you on 101 FM and 101 MW. My name is Diddy and this is the first episode of my new show “What’s My Gaff”, a weekly one to one interview with a local South Tyneside business magnate or politician. My inaugural guest is none other than David Posh, market trader and Councillor for the ward of Cleadon and East Bilburn. Councillor Posh was also a prospective parliamentary candidate for Edinburgh South West, but was unreservedly dumped due to his lack of presence in the area. Welcome David, or should I call you Dave?
DAVID POSH: Call me what you like, you normally do.
DIDDY: Let’s get straight to the questions Dave. You seem to have a strange attitude to attending council committee meetings. In fact, you hardly ever go. Why is that?
DAVID POSH: Being a councillor involves more than just attending meetings Diddy, so let me set the record straight. As a councillor, I have never missed a free buffet, an open bar, a trip to London and I also claim all my expenses plus a little bit extra. On these issues, my record is 100% and no other councillor can challenge me on that. In fact, I devote so much of my time to not going to meetings, that I don’t actually have time to go to any.
DIDDY: A strange logic Davey, but lets move on. Would you say that not presenting the wreath on behalf of the Council on Remembrance Sunday was your most famous gaff?
DAVID POSH: Thank you for giving me the opportunity to set the record straight. I have already offered an explanation as to what happened on the day, but another implausible excuse has occurred to me. I actually got up on Sunday morning, put on my naval reserve Speedo trucks and Special Boat Group Donald Duck swimming armbands, and headed of on the number 30 bus to the Cenotaph in East Bilburn. However, on the way I met a man who offered to swap the wreath for some magic beans, beans which when planted would grow to massive proportions and…..
DIDDY: I’m sorry to stop you there D, but that sounds a bit like the children’s story “Jack and The Beanstalk”.
DAVID POSH: I’m sorry, you’re right. It actually wasn’t beans; it was a goose that would lay golden eggs….
DIDDY: That’s a tale by Aesop.
DAVID POSH: A tinder box?
DIDDY: Hans Christian Andersen
DAVID POSH: A ring which makes you invisible?
DIDDY: Tolkien. Posh, what did you do last night?
DAVID POSH: It was fab. My butler read me children’s stories all night. I had Quavers, Vimto and a Curly Wurly. I’ve never had such a topper time.
DIDDY: So basically all your excuses are based on what you did last.
DAVID POSH: Well not everything I did last night. I haven’t mentioned the woman with the beard have I?
DIDDY: I think we should stop there Davina before you go to far again. Let me ask you, was Scotland a gaff?
DAVID POSH: If it wasn’t for Scotland Diddy, I wouldn’t have had the time to purge South Tyneside of the BNP. Thanks to my sterling work in doing absolutely nothing about these horrible, horrible people, Muslims can walk the streets of Shields without the threat of arrest, internment and deportation. (Starts to wail, howl and sob uncontrollably).
DIDDY: Clearly, this is still a delicate subject for you D.
DAVID POSH: It’s not that. I was just thinking about that gin I spilt the other night.
DIDDY: Perhaps you should adopt the old adage “that it’s not worth crying over spilt milk”, or in your case, gin. Here, take this towel and bucket and mop up your tears. Please don’t bubble over the microphone Dave, not even your insulated Hush Puppies will stop you getting an electrical shock. You seem to be a little “over agitated” Posh. Are you sober?
DAVID POSH: I am at the moment, but don’t intend to stay this way to long. Can I have my appearance money now, I hear the bars open?
DIDDY: David, did you only come on the show for the money?
DAVID POSH: And the free mug.
DIDDY: (Under breath) the only mugs are the people who vote for you! I think this may be a good time to bring this interview to an end. Tell me David, if you were left stranded on a desert island, which two items would you take with you?
DAVID POSH: That’s easy Diddy. I would have a brewery, my expenses claims pad, my Grifter bike with pink stabilisers, my Action Man, Stretch Armstrong, a tub of lard and…….
DIDDY: Posh, I said two items. You’re treating the question like an expenses claim and going over the top.
DAVID POSH: Not really Diddy. The “two item” dictum is a rule that is only to be followed in spirit, a bit like expense claims - you know you should stick to the guideline, but hey, shy councillors get nothing. At the end of day of Diddy, I’m a loner, a maverick, I’m James Dean, I’m Dirty Harry, I’m Jim Rockford, I’m…….
DIDDY: You’re a loony, that is what you are. Good night listeners, and don’t forget to tune in later on in the week when hopefully we shall have a guest who doesn’t cry all night over a spilt gin.
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