CASE CLOSED

ADDITIONAL POLICE REPORT
AUTHOR: PC DIBBLE

1. I have fully investigated the alleged burglary at Margaret Thatcher Towers. Resources employed include sniffer dogs, DNA analysis, Derek Acorah, Inspector's Morse and Frost. Inspector Rebus refused to work with the investigation team, claiming he could not keep up with Mr Posh’s desire for liquid breaks. I was unable to utilize the services of “A Man Called Ironside” as the premises in question had no disabled access, despite council approved requirements. It has been explained to Mr Posh that his well being does not require MI5, MI6, Special Branch or the Malcovitch Brothers protection. Should he wish to employ his own security consultants, specifically those who beat the s@@t out of their partners (with references), then it is up to him and his Conservative Party.

2. The recovery of any stolen items has not produced any evidence. Local second hand shops claim that the description of goods provided to them indicates that there is little value for resale. They acknowledge that second hand Sky Remotes may have drawn interest, but only if the batteries are included. They are adamant that second hand underwear has no value.


3. I have carried out house to house enquiries in the Cleawood and East Bilburn Ward, but nobody had seen Mr Posh (or any other councillor) since Mr Posh he was elected in 2004 at the age of 13 ¾. They have however, seen a suspicious paper boy in a kilt, and the Mayor’s car full of drunken yobs and yobette’s!

4. Due to the lack of any real evidence, or a realistic list of stolen goods, this incident has been referred to the “Cold Case” squad, or as it is known to the bobby on the beat, the “bin”.

5. This case is now obsolete, though with regards to Mr Posh’s mental state, I have referred him to the following “mentalist” charirties and (councillors) who actually turn up to (meetings) appointments:


http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3483477/The-30-greatest-conspiracy-theories-part-1.html

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conspiracy_theory

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/science/space/5833633/Apollo-11-Moon-landing-conspiracy-theories-debunked.html

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FV8tciBFpCI