AWOL

Some of my detractors and stalkers have of late been making certain accusations that yours truly did not attend the Remembrance Day Ceremony in East Bilburn circa 8th November.

As a consequence of my “no show”, a Council wreath to honour those who have died in conflicts was not presented.

I would like to take the opportunity, via this well attended and much visited public forum, to set the record straight.

Several explanations have been offered re this very public escape act (both by myself, Max Clifford and the Council) but as always, the truth is actually stranger than science fiction.

Like a well endowed Miss Marple mystery, my failure to cash in on what would have been a very honourable public experience, had it’s origins in the following twists, turns and white rapids.

1. I got the date wrong and actually turned up on the previous Sunday.

2. I got the date wrong and turned up on the following Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday. You can imagine my surprise when I was confronted with the fact that nobody else had the decency to show their faces. Under these circumstances and with the application of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, it can be mathematically shown that I went to the cenotaph in East Bilburn six more times than the average punter. Respect!

3. I couldn’t find the wreath in amongst the thousand’s of other wreaths I had in Margaret Thatcher Towers.

4. I couldn’t find East Bilburn, though I understand it can be found next to Cleawood.

5. It was actually Stinker Milburn and McWoody’s fault as they did not mention the gig to me when we had a policy meeting in The Red Lion.

6. The night before Remembrance Day, I was at a boxing bash to raise funds for survivors of the Battle of Hastings, the Peninsula Wars, the Napoleonic Wars and the Boer War. Whilst attendance was threadbare, I was still honouring those who had fallen, especially through drink.

7. On reflection, it has occurred to me that I was in attendance on the day. I was in fact in “camouflage”. I don’t mean I was sober, but I had been “on manoeuvres” with Cheesey Muldoon the night before. This may be why nobody actually saw me at the back of the public gathering. I was in a stuper, sorry, I mean bush!

I therefore feel that criticism’s of my actions on the day, or any another day, are completely without foundation.