Many of you may recall that some time ago The Posh was burgled by an international gang of Ninja Turtle burglars, gaining entry via my back passage way and steeling some very sensitive material.
Despite the involvement of the local police, Interpol, the CIA and FBI, Zanetti Security Consultants, PC Dibble and Scooby Doo, the villainous culprits have not been apprehended.
I have always considered the violation of my back passage to be a political hate crime, the perpetrators seeking revenge for my success in banishing the BNP from the Borough of South Tyneside.
However, one of my neighbours informs me that they were also burgled on the same night, the “modus operandi” being very similar.
Yeah right, like they have several Mickey Mouse Rolex watches as well!
As I informed my neighbours, not only are they pheasants (sorry, that should read peasants), but the burglary of their cardboard box abodes was clearly due to the fact that the Ninjas were either on a practise run, or they got the wrong house.
Suffice to say, I suspect that the local police have not been taking my plight as seriously as they might. I have asked for visits from Victim Support and Crime Prevention Officers, yet nobody has been to see me. Perhaps they don’t have my address, but they know they can always find me in The Red Lion.
Whilst I appreciate that the police may have other less serious crimes to tackle, such as murder, rape, international terrorism, racial abuse, missing ballot box fraud, and dare I say it, domestic violence, I do feel that I have somewhat been given the cold shoulder.
I am slowly moving (as you know dear reader, I never doing anything with haste – ask my “constituents”) towards making a complaint to the PCC. Surely as a major political, cultural and economic influence within South Tyneside, I deserve special treatment?
I shall also be asking them to look into a certain tricky legal question and conundrum, and if necessary, seek a judgement from the Supreme Court of Appeal:
“Is it a crime to laugh at me?”
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