SLAP HEAD

Achtung Himmel dear fans and constituents, sorry things have been a bit quite lately, but I have once again been forced to keep my ample head well below the rampart.

Basically, I have two very uber problems at the moment (that’s two, not to, or too).

Firstly, the left wing, lesbian, bible bashing, Doc Marten clad, hippy, vegetarian and just about female element of the Council are a bit miffed about a certain reference I supplied for a certain purveyor of domestic violence. Sometimes this equality lark real ruffles my receding hairline. Let me settle this matter once and for all. Women can be somewhat….. challenging, and as such inadvertently put themselves in the position where they need a good put down, or as with the actions of my good chum, a good cuffing in the form of a punch and a slap. Take my cleaner for example. She hasn’t washed the windowsills, she can’t put a razor sharp crease down the front of my Y fronts and she has lost my hairbrush (and probably a wreath as well). I have therefore decided to insult her via my Twitter account, firstly to let her know she is sacked and needs a good sorting, and b, so that I can let you all know that I am rich and posh enough to have a cleaner. (Some people may find my actions a little over the top, but a mans hairbrush, regardless of his thinning thatch, is his pride and joy. Plus, I have a nagging feeling she has been using it to comb her beard).

I hope this sets the record straight and that all the “oppressed” in the Town Hall are now well aware of my stance on this matter. (Please, please, please – no more burning bra’s via the internal mail!)

My second problem concerns Pongo Khan (he makes me so angry). The man must live on nitrous oxide, such is his ability to laugh. The problem is, it’s always at my expense. How dare he raise the issue of the Overview Scrutiny Coordinating and Call In Committee! Yes, I did ask at the last meeting for the matter of CAF grants to be included on the agenda, and why not? Every time I attempt to get a grant for the Cleawood Bridge Club or the Red Lion Social Circle, the Stalinist’s from Boldon Oldtown knock me back (that’s if I turn up to be knocked back). What Pongo has conveniently failed to mention however, is that whilst I did ask for the issue to be added to the agenda, I never said I would be turning up at the meeting.

Get out of that one Pongo!

Well dear reader, life must go on, and I have some rather large underpants to iron on the windowsill. I also have some very pressing Council matters to attend to, including another email to PC Dibble about people’s use of nitrous oxide and also a call to a fellow market trader in Leicester.