A SQUAW'S TALE

Yee ha, muskrats, its Rodeo Dave here.

Being a sheriff in a one horse town ain't that easy, but I like to think that little old me can bring some sunshine to the lives of the settlers that inhabit this great land of ours – ya’ll know what a mean don’t you, a bit like Doris Day in Calamity Jane, except without the songs!

That’s how I feel about “Second Hand Wife Of Firefighter”, a squaw who ain’t had an easy like to say the least. Poor old Second Hand, she was orphaned at the tender age of 2 when one of the Dixon brothers from the Kelco Ranch sold her Mar and Par to the circus (apparently people with webbed feet and gills are something of an attraction in Alabama). Anyways, after many years in the wilderness, she made a name for herself selling perms and blue rinses to beaver hunters. Seeing an opening, she joined them their hunters and headed for the hills. Man, how those hunters loved their beaver! Second Hand made a lot of money for her services during this period, and as a result she was able to open her own little old saloon (sorry, that should read salon, I get confused with the two mighty easy) on the Voko Reservation, this time servicing Indians and on occasions, buffalos.

As time progressed, Second Hand fell in love with a firefighter from a one horse town nearby. The dude in question not only owned his own bucket, but he also had his own tipi, an inheritance from his own Mar and Par who sadly passed away at the hands of a circus act who left duck shaped footprints in the sand and were last seen diving into Cactus Creek. The relationship was however doomed to failure, and pretty soon both husband and bucket disappeared to find a better life yonder of Lugano Ridge.

Undeterred by the number of deaths that were surrounding her, Second Hand shacked up with a hillbilly redneck from way down south. Going by the name of Paul the Kid, he and Second Hand set up their own little love nest in the same tipi once occupied by the man with the bucket. Things all appeared to be as sweet as ma mama’s best apple pie, until Second Hand and the Kid took a stage coach to the city and got hitched after drinking a bottle of unfiltered coyote urine. From that day onwards, the relationship collapsed and after a heavy session on the old fire water, Second Hand opened her flaps and kicked the Kid out of the tipi for good.

Shortly after this eviction, I rode into the Voko Reservation and both our lives changed for good. It was “whip crack away” from the first moment Second Hand ran her fingers through my hair (singular).

Come back soon ya’ll. This story is like a buffalo on speed – it just goes on and on!

FULL LENGTH FILMS COMING SOON TO A RANCH NEAR YOU –

“TRUE SHIT” – the story of a sheriff in a one horse town who forgot to lay the tumble weed at the memorial to commemorate those who died during “Blusters Last Stand”.

“THE MAGNIFICENT THREE” – how a sheriff and his two deputies defied all odds and got themselves re elected to office by a horse in a one vote town.

“A FIST FULL OF POUNDS” – how a sheriffs expense claims for first class stage coach travel were used to feed his coyote dung habit.

“EL DORADO” – the story of a famous restaurant frequented by sheriffs with rusty bullet holes

“THE WILD BUNCH” – Rodeo Dave, Doc Milburn and Boss Hogg McWoody take the Mayor’s stage coach out for a spin.

“LITTLE BIG MAN” – Rodeo Dave adds an extra inch to his knee high snake skin boots in an attempt to get on his horse without the aid of a stool.

“HIRED HANDS” – Paul Pinfield and Graham Rigg star as a couple of hapless red neck cowboys who are prepared to do any bodies dirty work as long as they remain anonymous. (Laurel and Hardy rejected the chance to play the leading roles).